William the Ambulance Driver

1st February 1997 - William carried his newborn baby over hills to his caravan. Here, he hypnotised the baby using the screensaver on his computer.
The caravan is warm and smells of gas. William has a headache. Outside, a midget crouches beside the caravan's towbar, pulling levers up and down...movements in some sort of complex operation.

8th December 1988 - William was hoovering his house, hungover. The doorbell rang. It was his uncle Harry. Beady eyed with wisps of white hair clinging to his skull, Harry was a nervous artist.
"Hey Harry," said William. Harry didn't respond, merely entered and sat down. They watched a TV game show for a while. Harry seemed restless.
"Is Shonat in?" Harry eventually asked. Shonat, William's wife, had a mental age of nine.
"She's in her room."
"I need to talk to her," Harry said, getting up abruptly and exiting the room. 15 minutes passed. Harry could hear Shonat's bed creaking with increasing momentum. What the hell was Harry talking to her about?
Harry reappeared looking flushed and tired.
"I need to go." He disappeared.
William carefully poured his cup of tea all over the couch. He could hear Shonat sobbing quietly.

7th June 1982 - Uncle Harry came to install a cat flap in William's door. In the decades that followed, people would ask why William never had a cat. This would render William confused and irate.
"Pi Lambda," he would mutter to himself reassuringly and fart.
The truth was Harry had installed the cat flap for 'aesthetic purposes.' William didn't really understand this but had trusted his uncle's judgement and had agreed to the £70 installation fee his uncle had proposed.
One day someone pushed a newborn baby through the cat flap. William decided that the child would be his bride.

10th October 1988 - William was causing a scene in the post office. He had brought in his pet to show off.
"This is my dog Purple Horse," he declared, holding up a bewildered looking infant. The scornful woman that worked there sucked on her cigarette and shook her head, dispensing a withering glare. A small fat child shat himself. An old man began speaking in tongues. A voluptuous 23 year old performed a striptease to the amazement and delight of a middle aged businessman with silver hair. He dropped his briefcase, and then dropped his trousers to his ankles, sporting a veiny erection. The young lady fell to her knees and began dutifully sucking him off.
William curled into a foetal position and fell asleep.