Saturday, 27 February 2010

Thanks Very Much For Those Few Kind Words - A Sitcom

Theme Song - 13th Floor Elevators

Montage of shots of Gordon and his Grandpa including:
Gordon grinning guilelessly at something off-camera, Grandpa laying beside the deactivated electric fire endeavouring to warm himself, Grandpa violently losing his temper in slow motion, Gordon typing and gazing at a laptop screen, shots of 36 Blossom Terrace, Grandpa wandering around in the snow partially dressed, Grandpa tucking into a jar of marmalade with a cutlery knife.
Also starring Anya: shot of Anya mixing up egg mayonnaise in a bowl, shot of Anya grinning guilelessly at a bewildered looking grandpa.

Setting: Interior of 36 Blossom Terrace
Grandpa shuffles into the kitchen, humming a tuneless drone. Anya turns from the worktop where she has been preparing egg mayonnaise in a ceramic bowl.

ANYA: A wee egg...
GRANDPA: What's that Aggie?
ANYA: Am no Aggie, Am Anya
GRANDPA cackles mirthfully.


Setting of spare bedroom. Gordon is sat before a laptop typing rapidly. He pauses and gazes at the screen, emitting a prolonged sigh. Grandpa shuffles in and watches his grandson speculatively.
GRANDPA: (in an earnest tone) What time do you want to get up in the morning?
GORDON: (murmuring lethargically) I can't be bothered getting up.
GRANDPA: (suddenly frenzied) You lazy fucking idiot!
(Hysterical audience laughter)


Dining table. Grandpa is slowly and carefully devouring a seafood dish. He has the countenance, posture and mannerisms of a young child. He reaches for a nearby jar of marmalade set amongst other condiments and turns the jar in his hand, studying the label in silence for a full minute. He then removes the lid, utilizing his cutlery knife, begins spooning the marmalade into his mouth. Anya appears from the kitchen.
ANYA: Right Bobby, that's for putting on yer toast in the morning, no for eating out the jar.
She confiscates the jar.
GRANDPA: Oh, is it?
Anya disappears into the kitchen again and, after a moment, Grandpa retrieves the jar and studies the label again for a full minute. He then removes the lid and repeats his earlier consumption procedure.
(Subdued audience chuckling)

Interior of spare bedroom. Gordon is sprawled out, dozing restfully. Anya enters the room and rouses him.
ANYA: Where's yer grandpa?
GORDON: Downstairs.
ANYA: Naw he's no.
Shot of Gordon and ANYA descending the stairs, smiling self consciously at the camera (also all dialogue is delivered with deliberately stilted amateur awkwardness). They booth stoop to dress their feet with shoes.
Cut to an outside shot of 36 Blossom Terrace. Gordon and Anya emerge into the brilliant glare of the snow. They trudge to the gate and look up and down the street.
Cut to a shot of Gordon jogging along the pavement with a solemn or bored expression. The camera follows alongside him then turns to reveal he is nearing Grandpa who has evidently wandered off for some esoteric purpose.
Gordon dials a mobile phone.

GORDON: I've found him.
Grandpa cackles mirthfully

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